Sunday, December 29, 2002

So I learned today that every single one of my friends has children now. Even the one who hated kids.. the one who SWORE on all that was holy that she would rather wash her face with boric acid then bare children. So tada.... introducing me.. the barren one. The doctor I go to uses all kinds of grown up words to describe my inability to concieve. Its polysystic ovaries, could be just no ovulation, could be your weight, could be your husband... could be the the start werent alligned with venus on the day you were supposed to make a baby!Fuck it... yep there I go swearing but seriously I cant think of a better thing to say right now. I dont feal sorry for myself.. I feal sorry for the people around me that have to deal with me. IM mad... Im mad at the world for everything right now and I'm not sure I want to get over that. I want to scream at someone.... ask why I have to always feal like I'm one step behind everything. I think sometimes thats whats missing in my marriage.... time to share a secret. I am in the process of having a none to subtle affair. Before you all rant and rave and call me names I havent actually had sex with anyone. I am having an affair of the mind. I am being adored, pampered, loved by someone who seems to be content in waiting till I find where exactly I put my brain. Now don't get me wrong it hasnt been all just hand holding and sweet talk. We have kissed, LORD have we kissed. It's the kind that romance movies are made of... where your legs lifts up.. just the one, and your heart beats so hard your not sure if its going to jump out and keep on pumping. My palms sweat and I get giddy hearing his voice on the phone. Now heres the kicker.... Im not in love with him. I want to be.... I SO want to be.. I want to be so in love that I forget all things weighing me down and just be happy for a full day! But I dont, I like him, I respect him, I care for him deeply. But I dont love him. Ironically enough I love my husband who doesnt provide me with any of the things this other person does.So I am horrible... I am having an affair of sorts..
Do you ever wonder if there was an alternate life you were supposed to get and someone cut in line in front of you? your sitting here with this over indulged body while your life dwindles down to whats good on the lifetime channel.. and meanwhile the person your SUPPOSED to be just finished her 100th Bon Bon and it's actually making her LOSE weight. Now while she sits there getting a foot rub from her sexy dark bald headed god of love... also known as "The Maid" (Did I mention he is also a mute?), you are elbow deep in the toilet scrubbing pee of the rim when you KNOW your not the one peeing on it! Now I know I didnt do anything at my birth to bring down the rath of god.... my mom says I came out smooth and easy. I know for a fact that I didnt swear once till I was six years old and that was under the proper teachings of my brother who knew how to say ass whipe in THREE count em THREE different languages! So I am 28... I would call myself a BBW but in all honesty I'm not sure I am beautiful so I'm not gonna throw those fancy nicknames around and just say im fat but cute! I'm married and I'm pretty sure I was happy about four years ago. Maybe not blissful but I was getting good lovin on a regular interval and Im pretty sure it was longer then the time it takes for three commercials to spin out before Seinfeld comes back on! Am I bitching? Hell yes I am! Am I trying to do something about it? Define "Something"....